37 Weeks: Confessions of Anxiety

So I have made it to what health professionals call "full-term" though I don't think anyone in my family has had a baby earlier than 39 weeks unless something went wrong. My mom was born 12 days late (she was my grandmother's 3rd and final child) and my younger brother was 11 days late. (My youngest brother was induced on his due date so he would have been late as well -impossible to know just how much.) Latey late late late. So of course I too expect to be pregnant longer than 40 weeks. This isn't so much what bothers me. (Though the recent growth spurt I've experienced - up to 22 lbs- makes me a bit concerned I will overshoot my weight goal - though I am happy that the spurt means that I'm not measuring as small for dates - still small, just not as small.) You see, I feel like my body is so good at getting and staying pregnant that it doesn't know how to stop being so. I know, it sounds silly, but I have absolutely no confidence in my body to go into labor on its own. I have less fear than one would expect surrounding the actual labor and delivery - it's just the beginning I can't imagine. How, when, where? (On the flip side, after all her waiting, my mom's labors were super quick - 11-days-late bro was out in like, 2 hours or something, hence the induction of the next baby.) And then worrying about this makes me worry that my mind will put a mental block on going into labor on its own and I'll have to be induced - a process I have even less confidence in, especially considering what happened last time. I am all too aware that the mind has a powerful effect on the body and I'm about the worst person in the world at relinquishing control.

I also have this notion that at least one thing has to be difficult for any given person. I had no trouble getting pregnant either time and despite hating the condition, have had very uncomplicated and "easy" pregnancies, found breastfeeding to be cake, and have one of the most beautiful and easiest kids to raise (with the exception of having her overseas with 0.0% help and the whole first year of little to no napping) so I feel like late and difficult labors (ie. the important stuff in-between) are my penance. Adding weight to the idea that my body will never go into labor is that, at 37 weeks, running is getting easier. I read several blogs of more serious runners than I that talk about struggling during those last few weeks - slower pace, pain in various places, etc.... Um, so my treadmill runs are actually faster and my outdoor runs (I haven't timed them in months - too depressing) feel a whole lot springier - the few pains I get are usually caused by sudden gas, tmi? no more round ligament pain. And I'm not feeling like I have to pee as soon as I leave the house like I did in the first trimester. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE WITH ALL THAT BABY IN THERE?

In my quotidian life I am feeling pressure on my hips and in my pelvis that I didn't feel last time leading me to believe baby has dropped earlier than N did and sometimes I feel like I can even see it in the mirror. (The bit of breathlessness I felt in the early 30 weeks is gone too.) But then I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and I will be the only woman in the world who is designed to gestate indefinitely, whose body actually performs better the more pregnant it gets.

Fortunately no one has checked my cervix and likely no one will before I am in labor. Do I really need to hear I am 0-0-0? Nope, I do not.

And in the interest of getting everything off my chest - I often wonder if I am considered truly multiparous? Does the fact that I had a c-section the first time mean I don't get the credit other people supposedly get (ie. faster and sooner labors) in subsequent pregnancies? I was having contractions on my own (8-15 minutes apart) before the induction last time and I did eventually dilate to a 6 or a 7 - but I feel that because that number was falsely achieved and I didn't pushed past it (thanks to a maternal fever and fetal intolerance), it is like I am having a baby for the first time - at least as far as my body is concerned. I know these are impossible questions to answer but this is how my brain works. (or doesn't.)

The Blue Angels are doing an Air Show this weekend, like, above our house, and it seriously sounds like a war out there so maybe sheer terror will shock this baby out. If only it worked like that... in the meantime we will be installing track lighting and closet doors in her room. J is seriously excited about the closet doors since it involves some destruction of property - ie. the opening is exactly 1 inch smaller than the doors - and according to some exasperated Home Depot employees, this is a common problem. Wth?