Friday, December 21, 2012

I Didn't Know There Were More Things About Myself to Hate

I'm so homesick and tired of being alone with the kids I could scream.  And screaming, I do do, unfortunately, at them.  Or cry.  Yes, I know I am fortunate to have two healthy children.  Children who have never been victims of shooting or any other sort of violence. Yes, I know that I am privileged in that neither kid has had to go to daycare in the first 3, if not 5 years of life.  I know.  I know it could be so much worse.  But it could also be better.  It could be, and  hopefully will be better, when I have friends to see and talk to.  It will be better when I have family to form a support network.  It will be better when I no longer feel like an alien.  America is lovely, yes.  But I'm an alien.  My natural penchant for self-loathing seems to be exacerbated by this environment, which definitely does not help me in the mothering department.  A woman with whom I feel a special kinship, mostly because she's a bit of a princess dark cloud, like me, said to me last summer, "in some ways, these years with small children are the worst years of your life."  Maybe not everyone feels this way, and I certainly don't feel this way every day, but I think (it has to be so) that it's okay to feel this way sometimes, or even most of the time.  Having kids is effing hard.  



Transitioning Josée to a bed is not going well.  Need I say more?  I sort of patted myself on the back after N got through her terrible threes.  She's obedient, respectful of authority, bright, plays the cello... yay her.  Yay us.  Josée, on the other hand, makes me feel like the worst parent ever.  She scoffs at authority and resists every correction or instruction.  She's so unlike me that I have no idea how to help her.  With all of this being said, however, she has a very sunny/uncomplicated disposition that I desperately do not want to break.  Help.  How does one parent a happy, yet obstinate, child? 

7 comments:

PiccolaPineCone said...

hi bri,
sounds like you really, really need a break. some time away from the kids... a day or more to yourself. can you get that? splurge on a babysitter or have hubby take over on one week-end day. it's amazing how a day on one's own can really recharge you. yes, the defiance is completely frustrating... the sly smile as child completely ignores... makes me want to jump out of my skin... it's good to hear they get past the terrible threes (which in my opinion are way worse than the twos) and it sounds like you are are well on your way to having two obedient chlidren if the second follows in the footsteps of the first. hang in there (and take some you time!!)
PPC

Brianne said...

Thanks, PPC. Unfortunately our second is just two, so even though it's possible she's getting her terribleness out of the way early, I have my doubts. I'm terrified of next fall when she turns three - especially since that may coincide with many giant life changes coming our way.

Babysitters seem impossible to find around here, but my husband would gladly give me a day off here and there (even though he also is taking college classes and is very busy.) The thing is, what would I do? I feel like a really need time with people who get me, and whom I get, but I haven't found any here. So in many ways I find it easier to be alone than to spend time with people who aren't, well, my people. You know? Making friends isn't easy for me - I'm a bit of a misanthrope. Teaching a few students and having school work to do has made the isolation a bit more bearable this year, and of course I'm eternally grateful to the 2 hours of childcare I get at the YMCA that allows me to run every day, but every once in a while the aching loneliness catches up to me and I have to get it out somehow. Today I chose this blog.

Brianne said...

Thanks, PPC. Unfortunately our second is just two, so even though it's possible she's getting her terribleness out of the way early, I have my doubts. I'm terrified of next fall when she turns three - especially since that may coincide with many giant life changes coming our way.

Babysitters seem impossible to find around here, but my husband would gladly give me a day off here and there (even though he also is taking college classes and is very busy.) The thing is, what would I do? I feel like a really need time with people who get me, and whom I get, but I haven't found any here. So in many ways I find it easier to be alone than to spend time with people who aren't, well, my people. You know? Making friends isn't easy for me - I'm a bit of a misanthrope. Teaching a few students and having school work to do has made the isolation a bit more bearable this year, and of course I'm eternally grateful to the 2 hours of childcare I get at the YMCA that allows me to run every day, but every once in a while the aching loneliness catches up to me and I have to get it out somehow. Today I chose this blog.

Brianne said...

On the bright side, though, part of the life change next year is the plan to move back to Etown, where we will have all of the things that currently seem to be missing. As a (lucky!) resident of Montreal, you probably can't fathom why someone would actually look FORWARD to living on the Canadian prairies, but, alas, that is where my people are.

sea legs girl said...

I am with you 100% Brianne. I have to fight depression off with pitch forks, knives, spoons, bombs. It is so hard being a mom to little kids in a foreign country. Thank you so much for writing so honestly about what you are feeling. Wish I could get myself to write more honestly, but usually I'm just too ashamed. There will be much better days! Don't forget that!

Brianne said...

Don't be ashamed, SLG. Having kids is hard anywhere, but I think especially in a country that is not one's own.

Norma Padro said...

Things are not what people say. Some say being a parent is the most beautiful thing in the world.

Some don't even know the feeling. I have had honest answers about this question. I was told by a few that I wasn't missing anything after asking me if I had any.

I would tell them no I didn't. I learned about parenthood at a very young age and never ever wanted to do that for myself. I was depressed lonely and even suicidal. I hated my life and my sisters. I wanted to get the hell out of the situation quick, but the years dragged on.

I had to deal with my mother's drinking habits, which made it worse. I just hated my life. So taking care of screaming children and to top it off disobedient ones is the worse thing in the whole wide world. I was born in Puerto Rico, but it doesn't matter where you are. If you're not happy it's not worth a time. I can't believe how people can lie about the joys of it. There is no joy.